


Karkat Yells At Himself

by Rag



Series: trash ship week [3]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, On-Again/Off-Again Relationship, Pesterlog, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-10
Updated: 2017-07-10
Packaged: 2018-11-30 04:24:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11455938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rag/pseuds/Rag
Summary: CG: WHAT DO YOU WANT.CG: SOME COMPANY, OBVIOUSLY. I’M EXACTLY AS FUCKING LONELY AND PATHETIC AS YOU ARE RIGHT NOW.





	Karkat Yells At Himself

**Author's Note:**

> about the title: i desperately had to lighten this thing up
> 
> this fic is pretty brutal with the self-hate shit, tw for that, it's basically someone severely psychologically abusing themselves
> 
> day 3 of trash week: on-again/off-again relationships

\-- carcinoGeneticst [CG] started trolling carcinoGeneticst [CG] \--

CG: HEY

CG: ASSHOLE, I’M TALKING TO YOU. OPEN YOUR FUCKING PHONE.

CG: I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT YOU’RE NOT DOING ANYTHING.

CG: WHAT DO YOU WANT.

CG: SOME COMPANY, OBVIOUSLY. I’M EXACTLY AS FUCKING LONELY AND PATHETIC AS YOU ARE RIGHT NOW.

CG: FUCK OFF. I WANT TO BE ALONE.

CG: YOU KNOW THAT’S NOT TRUE. I KNOW THAT’S NOT TRUE. IT BAFFLES ME EVERY FUCKING TIME HOW INSISTENT I AM ABOUT LYING TO *MYSELF.* CAN WE CUT TO THE CHASE BEFORE WE WASTE ANY MORE TIME DANCING AROUND SOMETHING WE BOTH KNOW IS A FACT?

CG: OK, YOU GOT ME.

CG: HOLY SHIT WE’VE GOT A PUSHY FUCKING SLUETH ON OUR HANDS.

CG: FINE. WE’RE DOING THIS, APPARENTLY. I’M DOING THIS. GOD, THIS IS STUPID. CHANGE YOUR FUCKING NAME SO I CAN TELL YOU APART.

CG: ALWAYS MAKING SOMEONE ELSE DO THE HEAVY LIFTING, AREN’T YOU?

CG: hows this

CG: i remember how much you liked this

GG: does this work for you, karkat?

CG: STOP. 

CG: DON'T TYPE LIKE THAT. CHANGE IT BACK.

CG: nah

CG: THIS IS FUCKED UP. EVEN FOR ME.

CG: FUCK TYPING LIKE THAT BUT ONLY BECAUSE I HATE IT, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU THINK.

CG ANYWAYS. WHAT WAS THE PART THAT BOTHERED ME THE MOST ABOUT THIS? THE NEEDLING REMINDER THAT THIS IS THE MOST I’LL SEE OF THIS ANYMORE?

CG: THAT WAS PRETTY BAD, YEAH. BUT I THINK IT WAS WORSE IN COMBINATION WITH THE REMINDER OF HOW MANY OF MY PROBLEMS COME DOWN TO THIS STUPID FUCKING BLOOD AND MY COMPLETE FUCKING INABILITY TO MOVE PAST IT.

CG: I CAN’T MOVE PAST ANYTHING, IS THE THING. I’M STILL CARRYING THE SAME STUPID, INAPPLICABLE BAGGAGE THAT I WAS CARRYING AROUND BEFORE THE GAME STARTED. EVERYONE IS MOVING FORWARD, AND YOU’RE STILL RIGHT HERE.

CG: HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED GETTING OVER YOURSELF? LIKE, *REALLY* CONSIDERED IT.

CG: I DON’T WANT TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION. I WOULD RATHER DO LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.

CG: YOU’RE *SO* FULL OF SHIT IT’S UNFATHOMABLE. IF YOU WANT TO LEAVE THEN FUCKING LEAVE. DON’T SIT HERE TELLING ME ABOUT HOW YOU WANT TO LEAVE.

CG: GOD, I’M SO FUCKING PATHETIC.

CG: SOMETIMES I FORGET, BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT STUPID THOUGHTS MOTIVATE MY STUPID DECISIONS.

CG: BUT SEEING IT FROM AN OUTSIDER’S POINT OF VIEW?

CG: I’M ABSOLUTELY INSUFFERABLE.

CG: I DON’T BLAME DAVE ONE FUCKING BIT FOR LEAVING THE SECOND HE HAD A CHANCE.

CG: HE DIDN’T FUCKING LEAVE. WE’RE TAKING A BREAK. WE NEED SPACE. WE BOTH NEED SPACE.

CG: UH-HUH.

CG: WHY DID YOU STOP TYPING? PLEASE, GO ON. THIS IS FASCINATING. IT’S ABSOLUTELY ILLUMINATING ME AS TO HOW LITTLE YOU GRASP THE FACT THAT HE’S LYING TO BOTH OF YOU.

CG: CAN’T WAIT FOR THIS NEXT RESPONSE, I REMEMBER HOW FUCKING DELICIOUS IT WAS. I’M ABSOLUTELY GIDDY WITH ANTICIPATION.

CG: HE’S NOT LYING TO HIMSELF. AND I’M NOT EITHER. WE’RE WORKING THROUGH OUR ISSUES INSTEAD OF BAILING ON EACH OTHER.

CG: I’M CRYING RIGHT NOW. I’M LITERALLY CRYING.

CG: WITH LAUGHTER, BECAUSE YOU ARE SO UNBELIEVABLY DELUSIONAL IT BLOWS MY MIND AND FRIES IT LIKE BROKEN CIRCUITRY UNTIL ALL THAT’S LEFT IS STUNNED LAUGHTER.

CG: WHERE HAVE WE HEARD THIS BEFORE? “I NEED A LITTLE SPACE? I’LL BE BACK?” TELL ME.

CG: FUCK OFF.

CG: LET’S SEE. SOLLUX, KANAYA, TEREZI, JADE, ERIDAN, GAMZEE- ARE YOU SEEING THE PATTERN HERE?

CG: YOU’RE PANICKING. I REMEMBER THAT. ENJOY IT. BUT IT’S BETTER THIS THAN BEING ALONE, RIGHT?

CG: GOD, YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY PATHETIC.

CG: STOP

CG: JESUS SHITTING DICKS, AT LEAST PUT UP A FIGHT.

CG: THAT’S THE THING WITH YOU. YOU NEVER FUCKING *TRY* TO CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF.

CG: YES I FUCKING DO!!!! I ABSOLUTELY DO!!!!!!

CG: YOUR EFFORTS ARE SO FUCKING PATHETIC AND USELESS THEY’RE BORDERING ON NULL. SCRATCH THAT, THEY’RE BORDERING ON COUNTERPRODUCTIVE. SCRATCH *THAT,* THEY’RE WORSE THAN USELESS AND COMPLETELY DISGUSTING.

CG: DAVE IS FEELING SMOTHERED? CLING TO HIM HARDER. AVOID HIM A SOLID 16 MINUTES BEFORE TEXTING HIM AGAIN. WHERE ARE YOU? ARE YOU BUSY? I WAS JUST WONDERING IF YOU’RE DOING ANYTHING LATER. ARE YOU MAD AT ME? DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG?

CG: YOU WAITED 1 MINUTE MORE THAN THE LAST USELSES ATTEMPT. SUCH SOLID PROGRESS.

CG: USELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU’RE! FUCKING! USELESS!!!!!

CG: I KNOW

CG: AND SO FUCKING PATHETIC, BLITHERINGLY PATEHTIC. CRY HARDER. YOU’RE FUCKING DISGUSTING.

CG: I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH.

CG: I DESPISE YOU. I FUCKING LOATHE THE GROUND YOU WALK ON. YOU CURSE EVERYTHING YOU FUCKING TOUCH.

CG: THE WORST PART. THE ABSOLUTE WORST PART.

CG: IS THAT YOU ENJOY THIS.

CG: YOU SICK FUCK.

CG: WHO THE FUCK WOULD ENJOY THIS?

CG: NO ONE WITH THEIR FUCKING HEAD ON STRAIGHT. NO ONE WORTH THE ATOMS IT TOOK TO ASSEMBLE THEM FROM THE RAW MATTER OF THE UNIVERSE.

CG: WE’RE NARROWING IT DOWN, SEE.

CG: NO ONE WORTH SHOWING ANY FUCKING KINDNESS TO. NO ONE WHO WON’T SQUANDER ANY EFFORT ANYONE ELSE MISTAKENLY EXPENDS ON THEIR USELESS SELF.

CG: NO ONE WHO HAS ANY PLACE IN SOCIETY. ARE WE GETTING WARM?

CG: STOP

CG: SHUT UP. PLEASE. I’M BEGGING YOU.

CG: LOG OUT IF YOU DON’T WANT TO FUCKING READ IT.

CG: YOU WON’T. I KNOW YOU WON’T. I DIDN’T, BECAUSE I’M NOT WORTH THE AIR I FUCKING BREATHE.

CG: STOP WASTING OUR TIME. THAT’S ALL YOU FUCKING DO.

CG: WHERE WAS I?

CG: OH, RIGHT. NO ONE WORTH BOTHERING WITH.

CG: THAT LEAVES AT LEAST ONE PERSON. CAN YOU GUESS?

CG: IT’S ME, I FUCKING GET IT!!! FUCK YOU, FUCK OFF, JUST LET ME FUCKING TAKE THIS IN PEACE.

CG: HE’LL COME BACK. HE SAID HE’D COME BACK. WE’RE JUST TAKING A WEEK OFF.

CG: HE WOULDN’T LIE ABOUT THAT.

CG: HERE WE ARE AGAIN.

CG: FIRST OF ALL, YES HE FUCKING WOULD. SECOND OF ALL, EVEN IF – AND THAT’S A BIG FUCKING IF – HE WAS TELLING THE TRUTH, WHAT’S TO STOP HIM FROM CHANGING HIS MIND IN THAT TIME?

CG: YOU REALLY THINK THIS WEEK IS GOING TO PASS WITHOUT HIM REALIZING HOW MUCH HE DOESN’T WANT YOU IN HIS LIFE?

CG: YOU THINK HE’S NOT ALREADY FALLING DOWN WITH RELIEF FROM NOT HAVING TO DEAL WITH YOUR NEEDY, HISTRIONIC BULLSHIT ANYMORE?

CG: FUCK

CG: WHY AM I SUCH A FUCKING DICK

CG: WHY DO I LIKE DOING THIS TO MYSELF

CG: ARE YOU CRYING NOW, TOO? THIS IS SO FUCKING STUPID. I NEED TO STOP THIS.

CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP. I WOULDN’T TELL YOU IF I WAS. I’M THE FUCKING TOP DOG IN THIS CONVERSATION.

CG: AND, TO ANSWER YOUR OTHER QUESTIONS:

CG: YOU LIKE THIS BECAUSE YOU’RE A FUCKING COWARD AND YOU HATE BEING ALONE.

CG: YOU LIKE IT BECAUSE YOU DON’T DESERVE ANYTHING GOOD AND SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT IN YOUR HANDS TO RIGHT THAT KARMIC WRONG.

CG: AND, YOU LIKE THE IDEA THAT YOU’RE GOING TO BE THE ONE MAKING YOURSELF CRY IN A FEW HOURS.

CG: FUCK, YOU’RE ONLY A FEW HOURS AHEAD OF ME?

CG: THREE AND A HALF.

CG: THIS WEEK IS GOING TO BE SO FUCKING LONG.

CG: TELL ME ABOUT IT.

CG: I FEEL LIKE WE’RE GOING TO GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER VERY WELL THESE NEXT SIX DAYS. YOU AND I, A MATCH MADE IN FUCKING HELL.

CG: BUT IT’S BETTER THAN BEING ALONE, ISN’T IT? (:B

CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP.

CG: DON’T ADMIT THAT. DON’T MAKE ME LOOK AT THOSE FUCKING WORDS OUT OF MY FUCKING FINGERS. THE IRONIC SMILEY DOES NOTHING TO CONVINCE ME OF YOUR INSINCERITY.

CG: DOES IT BOTHER YOU?

CG: YOU’RE JUST AS FUCKING BAD, IF NOT WORSE.

CG: WRONG, I’M EXACTLY AS BAD AS YOU, BECAUSE I AM YOU, YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING MORON.

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON’T NEED THIS. I DON’T FUCKING NEED THIS. NOW, OR EVER.

CG: I’M LEAVING.

CG: ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS THAT YOU DO IS ANNOUNCE THE ACTIONS THAT I KNOW YOU’RE GOING TO FUCKING TAKE.

CG: I DON’T CARE.

CG: I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU SAY. MAYBE WE’LL BE FINE. WE PROBABLY WON’T. BUT MAYBE WE WILL BE.

CG: YOU *DON’T* KNOW THAT WE WON’T, BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT FUCKING OMNIPOTENT.

CG: FUCK, YOU’RE RIGHT. HOLY SHIT, I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING AMAZING.

CG: I’M NOT OMNIPOTENT.

CG: I DON’T *KNOW* WHAT WILL HAPPEN.

CG: I JUST HAVE HALF AN OUNCE OF COMMON SENSE.

CG: I DON’T CARE. I DON’T CARE.

\-- carcinoGeneticst [CG] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticst [CG] \--

CG: YEAH, COOL, TELL YOURSELF THAT.

CG: HAVE FUN PACING AROUND YOUR ROOM AND CRYING.

CG: I’LL SEE YOU IN A FEW HOURS.


End file.
